2014/10/05

Think: Midnight Mysteries

In The Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald wrote  

"The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."

That's exactly how I feel like right now. I'm not sure what the trigger for this awful mood was, but it's here, sucking me into a lake of darkness (Getting poetic now, I know). Maybe it's been this guy I had real feelings for, to whom I didn't talk to for over a year because of a stupid dispute, and who suddenly, out of the blue, felt the need to tell me that he missed me. Not going to evaluate that now. Words like that mean a lot coming from a sealed person like him. I've always felt like we had a special connection, but maybe that's just me idealizing what's just illusion in reality. But I felt something clench inside of me when he said that. I had moved on. Memories take you back in an instant, though.
Maybe it's been a good friend of mine, telling me he wouldn't understand how I could just friendzone him, convinced we'd never be more than that. I felt something clench inside of me in these moments.
Maybe it's been my oldest friend, moving hours away to study. That day I realized how few people actually stay here with me. I can count them with my fingers. Fingers of one hand. 
Everyone is moving on with their lifes, closing the chapter where we all went to school and everything was settled for the future, collecting new experiences, meeting new people, making friends with them, friends for life maybe. And I'm sat here on my own because that's what I mostly do on my weekends, thinking how it has come as far. Walking away and continuing with life is totally alright, the world doesn't stop turning for the people around me. It's just now that I realize how bad I can cope with that change. So bad I'm not sure if I'll even find the courage to travel in the nine months free time I'll have after my work experience.
Without a safe haven to cling to if I'm struggling, I feel like the chance of me having a mental breakdown or panic attack or both increases to 200%. I don't want to be dependent, I want to travel and explore and take in breathtaking views with my camera, but this damn fear is holding me back. And it makes me miss out on life. And that makes me hate that part of myself because I should know how to fight panic and keep myself stable and because I know better than what the fear inside my mind is telling me.
Talking about fear, my latest way of preventing being overwhelmed by feelings is talking to random strangers I'll never meet because I can set a distance radius in that app. I get to flirt, but no one gets to me. It does work out quite well, but it's absolutel ridiculous.
I'm not unhappy single, but I know I could be happy in a relationship if it's the right person who doesn't pressure me. Yet I seem to be trying anything to keep me from meeting someone because that would be "dangerous" and I would have to open up and be vulnerable and that's really not my thing to not play it cool.
Welcome, version of me I've never wanted to be.

I guess I will sort it out because I'm not completely lacking realism these days, I just wished it wouldn't be so hard to feel like a normal person as there's constantly something reminding me of my issues. And I can't change where they're coming from because I can't erase my past. So I'll have to change how I'm dealing with these feelings.
Working on it, I'm working on it.

I feel a bit better though, after getting this off my chest. Being at my aunt's and uncle's/in the nature always seems to get me thinking about life more than I would in my usual surroundings.

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