2016/02/11

The Boys Were Eww And The Girls Were Aww.

She used to be a happy child. She found a lot of reasons to see her world in a beautiful light, find the good in everyone and everything. She used to dream of being a star, a pharmacist, a detective, FBI agent, famous writer, a traveller.
She used to be a happy child, until primary school began. Not exactly, when it began. She was as excited and full of positive expectations as every other child around her with those school bags - hers had mice on it - and school cones full of sweets and nice things. She was overwhelmed by all the impressions she gained from her surroundings, uncertain whether she wanted to be part of all that. She remembers her family reassuring her that this was going to be one of the best times of her life. They were wrong.  They couldn't know how wrong they were, nobody could. But with the principal welcoming the new students and teachers leading the kids to the first classroom they'd ever get an insight in, the by far worst time of her young life began.

In the beginning, everything seemed fine. She got along with everyone, they were like any other class. The boys were eww and the girls were aww. That's why she can't remember when it all started to turn upside-down. She believed she had found friends, naively trusted those friends she was so happy about with secrets who meant the world to her. How could they not mean the world to a young, little girl who finally felt free because she escaped the bully that called herself a friend back in kindergarden? She thought it couldn't get any worse than that so she blindly trusted anyone who smiled at her. Trusting them itself wasn't the fatal part, it was them finding out she would trust them any time again because she could never believe they spilled any of her secrets when her whole class suddenly knew about them. She assumed someone always must have overheard them, or hid in the bushes on the school ground when they were chatting and playing around. She could never believe her friends would be responsible for the scene in front of her, the evil, never-ending laughter in class. When she had a hard time holding back her tears.

Looking back, she's unsure about what turned her into their victim. They probably never realized how much of a victim she actually was for them. Having the best grades in class didn't exactly keep them from their actions, perhaps her grades spurred them on even more.
It made her cry that people told her every day she could've stayed home, they wouldn't miss her. It made her flee to the toilet and ball her eyes out when somebody said they wished she had died during her appendix operation. But eventually, she got over it as a child. A full night's sleep, another morning, and the world seemed brighter again.
Found on
The problem was - is - that a part of her never got over it. The bullying continued on until 7th grade and she had learned how it felt like to hate someone - more than one person actually - so badly she started to imagine scenarios in her head how she could make them pay for what they did to her. The child who couldn't kill a fly did only exist in her memories anymore. She had pushed her back into a dark corner because she couldn't bear to make any more mistakes that could make her vulnerable to them. That's what those years were all about, avoiding to be vulnerable for them at any cost. To not let them hurt her by any chance.

Once she believed she could take anything because her outer appearance was perfectly masking her inner feelings, their attacks started to feel like nothing. And she turned cold. Because nothing could touch her anymore. She developed a form of depression where she wouldn't let anybody talk to her or get near her anymore, even when she had found friends who truly cared. No idea how she managed to even trust them enough to finally tell them about everything that's made her treat them like shit sometimes, but she did. And they helped her deal with the people from her past, with the memories they evoked every day she saw them in class. They still bring them back today, when she unexpectedly sees them. Nobody can blame children for what they did because children are too young to foresee the consequences of their actions, but this simple fact doesn't erase years of bullying either. Somehow she learned to trust her friends, but when it came to guys and relationships, more problems showed up. Nobody could say she wasn't pretty or friendly enough to be asked out, yet when she actually said yes and didn't turn them down right away, she backed out the second they told her they liked her or tried to kiss her. The thought of letting someone get closer to her and opening up to them made her feel sick. Terrified. She panicked. And ran away. Fled. They mustn't force her to let her walls come down again, the ones she had built up so carefully over years.

But eventually a part of her knew she couldn't go on like that. She didn't want the devils of her childhood to take the good that was left in her. It took her many years and she's still not completely done with breaking down the walls around her. And she broke many hearts along the way. But she's getting there. She can actually deal with being in a relationship. She can feel comforted when someone holds her in their arms instead of getting the wish to withdraw herself. It made her incredibly lonely to feel so much and not be able to express it, to struggle with accepting feelings and returning them. Show them. Funny enough, physical proximity is a minor issue compared to emotional closeness. She can't recap the last time she told her parents she loved them because the words didn't leave her lips for years. It's always the same cycle: Wanting to say something, opening her lips, realizing she can't speak, closing her lips again, remaining silent. She feels like a coward, not even being able to tell the people she loves that she loves them. It's one of the most important things in life and she can't express them.
Well, not yet. She's getting there. Slowly. In her own pace. Not at high speed.

Before she finished high school, she always used to say that she would leave her home town the second she received her graduation certificate. She wanted to leave behind all the pain those people had caused in her life, the experiences she didn't deserve because she never meant any harm to anybody. She used to pray to god each night before sleeping, praying to him to wake her up from the terrible real nightmare she was going through each day in primary school. He didn't. And so god and the whole idea of christianity became pure hypocrisy to her. Going to church nowadays sucked because it always brought back the memories to that time where she had believed in god and he left her alone in the dark.
But she's still there, in her home town. She realized running from her demons wouldn't make a difference. Those demons aren't the people those children back in primary school have grown to. Those demons are her own burdens she's kept from the past. And leaving that place wouldn't make them leave. So she stayed.

She only has to find back to the happy child who used to chase butterflies on a sunny day. To set this child that she locked up in a dark room free again. And not let the person those experiences turned her in get the edge on her. Hopefully, this will also bring back the happy memories from her childhood. Primary school memories are the only ones she can remember lively so far, everything else she gathered from storys of her family because the happy part of her childhood is a blur. Caged in foggy glass by some children who didn't know what their words would cause. Luckily, glass can be shattered into pieces.

Life is a series of moments. Nobody should let one moment inflict damage on all the others.